birthday thoughts

today at 2:20 i will be 28 years old. that's not too far off from 30, and while that is scary, it is also humbling. i have come pretty far in this little world of mine, and i will be going a lot farther. i forget, quite often, to breathe and live. maybe it's just the celebration of life that is supposed to happen on one's birthday, that is making me feel this way. the 19th certainly snuck up on me this year, i was ill-prepared, but i'm ok now.

maybe it's the movies i've been watching, they make me feel... ready to run, play, put my bare feet in some grass and dip my head in a river. there is no doubt that i belong somewhere green. i feel green, new and young, and like there is SO MUCH. so much to do and say and think about and learn. so many places to see, people to meet, animals to play with, songs to hear, so much life to live.

i love my friends, sosososososososo hugely. they put up with a phenomenal amount shit from me.

"come on down to the mermaid cafe and i will buy you a bottle of wine. we'll laugh and toast to nothing and smash our empty glasses down. let's have a round for these freaks and these soldiers, a round for these friends of mine. let's have another round for the bright red devil who keeps me in this tourist town."

vicodin induced blog

pain killers are no fun. i don't see how people can get addicted to these things. they just make me wanna sleep all day.

so i have 4 big ol' holes in my mouth now, which means i can't smoke, or drink hot coffee. this is difficult. i suppose now would be a good time to quit smoking, if only i wanted to.

i'm glad i cleaned a little before going to the dentist, it would have sucked to come home to a mess feeling like this. see, this is why people are meant to live in communities, tribes, if you will. so that everyone has people to take care of them when they need it. i need a community. i need a cigarette.

this is kind of a pointless post, but i don't want to do anything else. forgive grammar, i'm having a hard time keeping my eyes focused. i wish someone would take my cat so i don't have to worry about him.

a little thing i like to call "life"

i am feeling strangely positive, and i don't want to go to bed, so i am writing this instead. maybe it's because this day turned out better than planned, i was able to borrow my mom's car, and just being able to drive somewhere was a relief. maybe i am realizing that things are slowly coming together, albeit really slowly.

i am going to take the plunge, in the form a political science class. it will dampen my feet in the political waters, and hopefully tell me whether or not that is something i would like to pursue. really, what better way to fight the system? well, to be honest, i don't want to fight the system, just those that abuse it, and not really the people either, but the ideas that those people stand for. can you fight an idea? i dunno, but i'm gonna sure as hell try.

maybe it's silly, but ever since i was old enough to notice that things were not so good for people in some parts of the world, (which would probably place me around 11 or 12) i felt this overwhelming sense of duty to do something about it. thus far i have done nothing, and at times even forgotten that this was something i felt obliged to do. when i remember, it's like i slap my forehead and go, "duh. oh yeah, about that..." and promptly continue to do nothing while making grand plans in my head which will, in time, be replaced by some hair-brained idea like, "i think i'll make that really good veggie lasagna tomorrow."

so, in attempting to break routine, i am making no plans, but keeping that idea in the front of my mind, and hope that some brilliant action, (rather than plan) comes along and drags me into that destiny, or fate, or thing i like to call "life".

so next summer, something will happen. i will go visit ohio, or not. i will go do something excellent, or not. maybe i will make that lasagna, cuz i still haven't done that either. the point is, when these two semesters are over, i'll be leaving arizona... i think.

warning! bitchfest 2010

so much is going on in my world right now. where do i start? i'll be moving out of my apartment and into my grandma's house in september. i have to get rid of pretty much everything in my apartment, narrow the necessities down as far as possible, and find a home for my cat. as far as my belongings go, i have binged, collecting things for my apartment that i believed i needed, and now comes the purge. i have done this binging and purging before, several times. the most extreme was the last time i left ohio and came here, i kept very little clothing, my books, cameras, and two crates of things from childhood, i.e. old journals, notebooks,etc. this time around i have more that i do not want to let go of, and i am battling because i know that i should not be connected to material things, but i also know that when i get another apartment it will be time to binge again, and i really just don't want to spend that much money on stuff that i have now.
as for the cat, i don't want to find a permanent home for him because once i am settled again, i will want him with me, but that could be a year or more. i am hoping my aunt will take him, but i have to be completely honest with her about his raptor-like personality.

i wish i could move out now, so i can stop worrying about money so much, but the problem is my car. i cannot get it fixed until i get my student loans, which won't be until early september. this also means that i will be riding my bike in the august heat, to school and back, which i am not looking forward to. at least i live close enough to work now that i can walk.

my phone is shit. it keeps turning off while i am on it, or texting someone, or have just finished texting someone, which is convenient because then i don't know that the message didn't send and my ride ends up waiting for me because they didn't get the message saying, "give me 5 more min." and probably needless to say, i don't have the money for a new phone.

on the 11th i am getting my wisdom teeth removed, a good thing, but very scary, and after that i need to have them cleaned, and start having my 10, yes, 10! cavities filled. my mouth is expensive, and it's all my fault. floss, people! luckily the place i am going does financing, but once it's all done i'll be paying a million dollars a month just to keep my teeth from rotting out of my face, which i suppose is worth it.

the thing that really gets to me about all this is that there is nothing i can do right now, about any of it. i am stuck in this purgatory where i know i shouldn't be worrying because i know there is nothing i can do right now, but i can't stop thinking and thinking about it all. i am in my head way too much. i know that i am doing what i am supposed to be doing, but it doesn't feel like enough, or like anything, really. so here i am, writing a blog to bitch about it, which weirdly feels really good to put it all down, just say it like it is. maybe this will help me stop dwelling on it. i doubt it though.

i am so tired of sitting at home, working, and going to denny's. my days are this endless cycle. my days off consist of my mom driving me around to run errands that i can't do myself without a car, and are not at all relaxing.

to top it all off i have no coffee in my house, and if you know me at all, you will know that this is detrimental to my morning ritual, and my ability to be a functioning human being throughout the day.

if you have actually read this through to the end, i am sorry. this was simply an exercise in purging thoughts, rather than belongings.

on conversation

when i am telling a story, it is not meant to be a good story, i am just telling a story. when i say story, i mean anything i am talking about, everything we say is simply a story that we tell, whether it be about politics, education, life in general, it's our side of the story. when you are speaking to me, telling me a story, i listen with an open heart and an open mind, because i care for you, and because you are speaking means that you care about what you are saying. in turn, i care about what you are saying, because it means something to you. our interactions with each other are interactions with ourselves. i think that interruptions are ways to say, what i have to say is more important.
on the other hand, i think that when you are telling a story, it should have significance, you should care about what you are saying, and not just enjoying the sound of your own voice.
i have begun testing the quality of what i think, before it comes out of my mouth, because i find that some things i say lack quality, they are not significant. i want you to know that i care about you because the stories that i tell contain the truth as i see it, and that i do not speak for the sound my voice makes, or the reaction i may get from you, but simply so that you may gain from the story i tell.
i have been quiet more often than not, it's because i'm listening. if i find no quality in the things i wish to say, i do not speak. sometimes it feels like an internal battle. sometimes i want to point out to the person i am speaking to that they are not respecting me, or the things i am saying, but i hope that because i listen, even when a person is telling a story that has no quality, they will see that it is important, and learn from it.
sometimes i slip up, sometimes i tell stories that do not matter, or say things that do not have quality, mostly at work. i find that at work people tend to be very self-concerned, and it is difficult to not feed into that.

funny, the way i am writing this sounds very much like the book i am reading, which is written by someone who doesn't know english very well. pardon my broken english :-)

the games of children

this moment is perfect, and this perfect moment is following a long succession of perfect moments. monday morning: got picked up by mom to go to my aunt's beautiful home in gold canyon, spent the day swimming, floating, and generally lying about, followed by a nap on the couch, only to be awoken for filet mignon and yummy potatoes. after dinner my mother and i went to denny's, drank coffee, and spoke of zen. then my lovely friends joined me as my mother left, we played pictionary, charades, and decided to go play hide and seek. 2 hours of giggling, hiding, and scaring ourselves silly while searching through a dark house for one another. to top it all off, we went to a park to play, swing, go down slides, and attempted to hang up-side down on the monkey-bars, and failed. i took many pictures as the sun came up. all in all, i'd say we had a jolly good time. now i am home, and reflecting on it all.

i started with too little sleep, and ended up sun-burnt and sandy. i will most likely sleep most of the day, and that's ok. there is a moral to this story, and it goes something like this; we are only alive in the present moment, we are doing exactly what we are supposed to be doing right now, and it doesn't matter what we are should be doing, or what we have to do the next day. this is the only moment we have, and to worry, dwell, or even hope for something in the future, is a waste of the moment we are living. this may be convoluted and dreamy, but it comes from the truth that i have found, so that has to be worth something, right?

a curious kind of day

so, life can be funny in that, i just woke up one day and realized that i'm about to be 28 which is just a few years from 30, and at 30 i should probably have some idea as to what i will be doing for the next 30, and wow, i'm a waitress at a mediocre restaurant serving mediocre people mediocre food , and going to school for godknowswhat, and my apartment looks like an 18 year old hippy girl lives in it, kind of way.

so, you may ask, what does one do in such a situation? well, one is asking herself the very same question.

i have learned over the years, that making a plan is a really good idea, and also that really good ideas have a way of being not so good when reality starts to kick in. it's like communism. great in theory, but when you bring people into the equation, everything seems to get a little wonky.

i have heard that not making a decision, is making a decision, which makes sense. if that's true, then is not making a plan, actually making a plan?

one day at a time, the alcoholics say, and i've always trusted alcoholics, but only as far as their catchy phrases are concerned.

the non-plan plan goes as such; redecorate the apartment so i feel like a person lives here who has class, taste, and money to burn, register for classes that may give me some idea as to what i may want to do in the future, find people to take pictures of for free until someone decides they want to pay me to do it, and start doing all the things i've wanted to do, within my ability.

sounds like a peachy plan, does it not? now, to execute...